Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.html



Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (published in May 1992) is a book by John Gray offering many suggestions for improving husband-wife relationships by understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite gender. It spawned a series of follow-on books expanding on specific situations (see below).

The book, as suggested by the title, asserts the notion that men and women are as different as beings from other planets. Gray adopts this metaphor as the central theme of all his books and seminars, likening men and women to the classical Roman god Mars and goddess Venus as ideal types.

In contrast to some psychologists (and feminists) who emphasize similarities between the sexes, Gray writes almost exclusively about differences. Gray says that his "Martians" and "Venusians" are only stereotypes and cannot be applied blindly to individuals.

An example of the theories it offers is that women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged, while men complain about problems because they are asking for solutions. Other concepts in the book are the difference between women and men's point systems and how they react under stress.

Notable books in the series

• Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
• Mars and Venus on a Date
• What You Feel You Can Heal
• Men, Women and Relationships
• Mars and Venus in Love
• Mars and Venus Together Forever: A Practical Guide to Creating Lasting Intimacy
• Mars and Venus in the Bedroom
• Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus Book of Days
• Mars and Venus Starting Over
• How To Get What You Want and Want What You Have
• Children Are from Heaven
• Practical Miracles for Mars and Venus: Nine Principles for Lasting Love, Increasing Success, and Vibrant Health in the Twenty-first Century
• Mars and Venus in the Workplace
• Truly Mars & Venus
• The Mars & Venus Diet & Exercise Solution
• Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress

Concepts

Concepts Gray espouses in his books include:

The point system

Gray suggests that men and women count (or score) the giving and receiving of love differently. For men, they tend to give larger blocks of points (20, 30, 40 points etc.) whereas for women they give each act of love one point at a time.

Men and women each monitor the amount of give and take in a relationship and if the balance becomes off and one person feels they have given more than they have been given to, resentment flu develops. This is a time when communication is very important to help bring the relationship back into balance.

Example: A man might count a $200 present as 20 points, but a woman will count each individual piece of the present as 1 point each. For her, the total sum of points comes from the present as a whole. For example, the different parts of the environment where the present is given each get 1 point (candles, music, privacy, location etc.) the card gets 1 point, the flowers get 1 point, the gift wrap gets 1 point and the gift itself gets 1 point. Their totals may even out to be the same, but it's the act of scoring that is different.

The emotional stroke delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead to conflict when a man thinks his work has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the female has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly.

The cave and the wave

Another major point of Gray's books are the differences in the way they react under stress. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave." In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or spend time with friends. The point of retreating is to take time to determine a solution. What is known is that men in their caves are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand, many times this is a "time-out" of sorts to allow them to distance themselves from the problems so their brains can focus on something else. This allows them to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective.

This has historically been hard for women to understand because when they are stressed their natural reaction is to talk about issues in order to find a solution. This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman tries to grow closer. This becomes a major source of conflict between any man and woman.

The wave is a natural cycle for women that is centered around their abilities to give to other people. When they feel full of love and energy to give to others their wave is in a stable place. As they give to others (and don't receive the same amount of love and attention given to them in return) their wave begins to grow until it eventually crashes. This is a time when a woman feels she has nothing else to give to those in her life and she needs the love of those around her (including self love) to help come out of this dark place. Once she is rejuvenated (by getting the support she needs) she is able to pop out of this dark place and once again has love and energy to give.

As one reviewer put it:

When men go into their cave, they are actually going through a phase of their relationship with a woman, when they want to be left alone. Any woman who has wondered why a boyfriend is not emailing/calling/messaging/meeting her will know what it feels like to be shut out of the cave. Women and 'the wave' is a concept [which] means that women go through periodic phases when they are unable to keep up their spirits without help and assistance from understanding men. At such times, 'the wave' crashes, and it needs to be given love and reassurance to rise up again with its usual confidence. [1]

Critical response

Some researchers agree with Gray's ideas about male-female communications differences. Deborah Tannen's studies of male/female communication find that "for women, talk creates intimacy... But men live in a hierarchical world, where talk maintains independence and status." ¹. However, other studies do not find such differences. Erina MacGeorge found only a 2 percent difference between communication styles and argues that "when it comes to comforting, the Mars-Venus concept is not only wrong, but harmful. For the most part, men and women use, and strongly prefer, the same ways of comforting others – listening, sympathizing and giving thoughtful advice."²

Some feminists have criticized the book for being sexist and patronizing ³ When discussing relations with the opposite sex, one often hears the complaint, "It's like she's from another planet!", while others accuse it of being written as a 'self-improvement' book for women, blatantly suggesting that women should adapt to men's ways of communicating, rather than both genders co-operating. Susan Hamson's web site "The Rebuttal From Uranus" says:

"Despite its promotional hype, at its very core it is a sexist, patronizing, male-centered invective which does little more than perpetuate long-held negative gender stereotypes"

Hamson objects to the lack of reference and details about the research Gray claims to have made, as well as to two central points which she feels Gray makes in his book:

• "that men fulfill active roles and are seen as ambitious and powerful. Women, however, satisfy passive roles"; and,
• "although the author may grudgingly admit that women are cognizant human beings, they must necessarily take a back seat to the dominant male in their lives in order to routinely accommodate his wants and desires." ⁴

Questionable educational background of author

In 1982, John Gray received a PhD in psychology from Columbia Pacific University. Following subsequent investigations into the university's standards, it was forced to close by court order in 2001. The court ordered the university to refund fees to past students on request. However, past degrees remained legally valid.⁵

In 1995, Newsweek reported that Gray had spent nine years as a celibate monk and secretary to New Age cult leader Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. In 1997, Time magazine revealed that Gray earned B.A. and M.A. in the "Science of Creative Intelligence" from the Maharishi European Research University in Switzerland, a field of study created by the Yogi himself, purported to be the "scientific theory for the development of higher states of consciousness, which naturally develop through the practice of Transcendental Meditation." Neither the school nor the degree field is accredited.

References in popular culture

• In Neal Stephenson's 1999 novel, Cryptonomicon, an American protagonist remarks to his Filipino attorney, "You know what this is? It's one of those men-are-from-Mars, women-are-from-Venus things."
  To which the attorney replies "I have not heard of this phrase but I understand immediately what you are saying."
  "It's one of those American books where once you're heard the title you don't even need to read it."
  "Then I won't."
• In the episode "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer" of The Simpsons, Homer remarks, "We're so different! It's like you're from Venus..." Marge replies, "And you're from Mars." To which Homer responds, "Oh yeah, give me the one with all the monsters!"
• Tom and Ray Magliozzi of the radio show Car Talk spoofed the title of this book on their comedy album Men are from GM, Women are from Ford.
• The title was also spoofed in a Pearls Before Swine (comic strip) comic strip, with Rat having launched a book called Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Meteors That Landed On Mars.
• The band Men From Earth deliberately spoofed the title of this famous book when choosing their name. In similar way, the one man a cappella rock band Paska named its debut album Women Are From Venus, Men From Anus.
• The band Four Year Strong played off the title in their song "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Hell".
• In the first season of the television show, Smallville, the episode entitled "Crush" finds Lex Luther walking in on Clark Kent reading the book in order to sort out his feelings for Lana Lang and Chloe Sulivan. Lex Luther tells Clark the book is not going to help him.
• Geri Halliwell's song 'Bag it up', which calls for a reversal of traditional male/female roles, contains the lyrics Men are from Venus/and girls are from Mars.
• John Gray appeared on Season 2, Episode 3 of Penn & Teller's Bullshit! which covered true love.
• The book was the basis for a 1999 CD-ROM which featured author John Gray and a 2000 television talk show hosted by Cybill Shepherd which lasted one season.
• Gray adapted Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus as musical romantic comedy; it premiered at Broadway's Gerschwin Theater from January 27-Feb 2, 1997, and was later performed at the Flamigo Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, in 2001.
• The American neo-conservative Robert Kagan used the term "Americans are from Mars and Europeans are from Venus" to describe their use of power in world affairs. (Americans tend to use hard power, military might and threats, while the Europeans uses "soft power," which is economic, diplomatic and political power). This term, one could say, comes from the book's title.
• In Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, Bridget deploys multiple copies of the book in a Thai women's prison.
• In the South Park movie South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, Satan is seen reading a book titled Saddam Is From Mars, Satan Is From Venus.
• There was a Camp Lazlo episode entitled "Beans are from Mars", where the Squirrel Scouts suspect that the Jelly Beans are from another planet.
• In a 3rd Rock From The Sun episode, Dick, having no clue about Earth culture, fills out a crossword that reads: Men are from Mars, Women are from "a five letter word starting with V". Dick incorrectly but humorously fills in "Vegas".
• In Futurama, "It is true what they say: Women are from Omicron Persei 7, men are from Omicron Persei 9." In one episode Amy is also seen reading a book titled "Martians are from Mars, Venusians are from Venus."
• The book was also featured in the film Clueless as one of Cher's book choices for the week.
• In the Family Guy Episode "To Live and Die in Dixie", Peter takes the title literally suggesting that Chris buy thick layers of sulfuric clouds for his girlfriend.
• In the movie What Women Want starring Mel Gibson: Bette Midler the psychologist says "If men are from Mars and women are from Venus and you speak Venutian, the world can be yours."
• The title is spoofed in the 1996 Peanuts book, Dogs Are from Jupiter, Cats Are from the Moon.
• The book is mentioned in the film adaptation of Louise Rennison's novel, "Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging," though not in the actual novel.
• British Indie Rock band Curve featured a song called "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" on their 1993 album "Cuckoo".
• A 1997 collection of columns by American humorist Dave Barry (all of which originally appeared in the Miami Herald newspaper) is published under the title "Dave Barry is from Mars and Venus".

Notes

See also

• Relationship counseling
• The Myth Of Mars And Venus: Do Men and Women Really Speak Different Languages?

External links

• Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
• Relationship and Dating Coaching based on Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
• Free Online Dating based on Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
• Rebuttal from Uranus